Home // BeingNatalie // Two Years since ABVD

Two Years since ABVD

My Hair 2 years on

My hair two years after chemotherapy

Tomorrow, the 21st June 2014, marks 2 years since I had my last ABVD chemotherapy session for Hodgkin’s Lymphoma. It’s an ideal day not just for gratitude but reflection and acceptance.

I read an article on how being authentic is the bridge between the inner creative world and the external reality we relate to daily. It made me question how authentic is my voice when exchanging myself on the Planet? The answer quickly darted out into the ink of my pen; limited and false.

Limited because I withhold speaking the inner wisdom and love I have within me. False because each time I make a judgment, each time I see what’s wrong or speak about who has done wrong to me, I know it’s a lie because it’s out of alignment with my inner self.

I feel I have plenty to offer the world through experience, insights and personal growth but I find my physical voice is chained to beliefs that physically hurt plus hold the real Natalie hostage to a small, negative life.

So here is the unlimited, expanding girl speaking through the keypad and onto this Blog.

Two years ago I was sitting waiting for the last chemo session. Part of me was afraid about the process ending. What was I going to do with myself? Six months of my life have been focused on chemotherapy and in that time I’ve morphed into someone I no longer recognise. These 6 months have been my incentive to live and gave me the time I longed for so I could FINALLY relax. Naturally there is nothing relaxing about chemo and all I did was feel guilty and angry with myself for never getting anything right.

Before chemo I wasn’t exactly a high-achiever and my anxiety had only mildly improved. I was diagnosed at the age of 26 and lived at home. My family put pressure on me to make decisions about what to do now chemo was over and my head went into overdrive about what to do next. I panicked, I felt I wasn’t being given time to process the last 6 months and I felt alone. A job came up to be a nanny in Geneva and my mother was moving to Barcelona so I had no choice, I had to go to Geneva to prove I could work again, that I didn’t need to rely on anyone anymore and I could make money. Somehow I felt I owed the world something and this rapidly led to a depleting energy, which didn’t help in my healing process.

In a way, all this worrying and drifting off into the possible future, tore away my chance to be grateful that I wasn’t dead, I had beaten cancer and I will be okay. I had achieved something, I had been brave and I deserved to live. Instead, I was left dangling in self-doubt and wondering why I hadn’t changed. Ironically, two years down the line, it’s this question that still torments me. Why haven’t I changed? Why did I go to Geneva and allow someone to take advantage of me, why do I not work for myself fully and use the skills I have, why do I allow other people to make me feel unworthy and thus only ever attract lack in my life?

It’s made worse because I see my patterns, I know my blocks, I watch my language like a hawk and I no longer read much new information on human behaviors because I can relate to it all. It’s as if reading only reminds me of what I am already aware and serves a purpose of waking me up. So why haven’t I changed?

Or why do I ‘need’ this question in the first place? I have always wanted to be someone else from wanting to be more like the popular girl at school, the beautiful women around me whilst living in Ibiza to anyone else but me. Change became a curse, because no matter what I did, I didn’t change. I needed the question to give me hope that the possibility of change exists and that tomorrow I can change. It was a form of defense; it was and still is all I know because I haven’t accepted who I am.
 
In a society obsessed with change, I’m surprised I give it any power. It’s not about change, it’s about transformation, acceptance and love. Or so I hope it is because that’s what I’ve been reading in all my books on life as a human!

I know I have transformed a lot and I have nurtured my gifts more than before. I know that in the two years since I finished chemotherapy, I have been fortunate to experience a more peaceful lifestyle but I have also seen how my ‘poverty’ stricken mind (I like to call this my poverty halo), my resentments and fears continue to fester within. 


Here is what authenticity means to me; I believe my cancer was a result of self-hate. I believe I was born to hate myself because that is what will lead to my deepest fears arising, giving me the opportunity to heal them whilst learning how to relate to other people’s suffering. I believe authenticity is expressing one’s truth, one’s love and honesty. I’ve been waiting for a green light, for someone to notice me and for someone to tell me I am worth it. Too much time has been spent worrying what others think and hoping for dear life I’ll wake up this morning and things will be different. All of which is giving my precious energy and power away to others and a society I don’t believe in. Not enough time has been spent on being grateful but doing so naturally and not because a book told me to. I believe this is because a human withholding their authenticity, their passion, their joy, is a human who will fester in energy so dark, it will eventually turn the lights off all together and they will forget the beautiful natural light surrounding them.

Two years ago was two years ago, a meaningless and joyful day to me, but now is now and tomorrow is tomorrow and that is what I’ll celebrate. I’ll celebrate learning how to write authentically, for no reason other than I know one day what I write will help bridge the gap between dark and light.  Even that is a reason, so lets scrap that and discover the wisdom within.


To me, there is no such thing as ‘how to’, all that exists is a journey and on the way you will discover ways in which you can unfold the chaos, discover which character you play and slowly begin to enjoy it.

Try not to attach too much to all the different ways in which you can help yourself, and begin to notice what it means to be human, to be authentic, to live life from your light and source. What does that mean to you? What we need more of in the UK, are simple, general introductions on being human and in that simplicity allowing others to discover the techniques, language or hiking shoes they seek to begin a journey that will lead to an inner peace and space that will transform the way they relate to themselves and others…forever.

Thank you and thank you universe for listening, thank you to my family for supporting what must seem like a very crazy and lost girl, thank you to André for supporting me and seeing my light since the moment I was diagnosed, thank you to my Scottie Charlie. Thank you to the synchronicity of finishing chemotherapy on Summer Solstice because that day brings light. I commit to my mission. With love xx  

Charlie & I

Taken by my friend Niki

 

Resources

My friend Niki who writes the Life Detective told me about IACCW and upon signing up I had access to an article called “Discover Your Authentic Voice – on the page and in the world”. I hugely recommend it if you’re embarking on a new writing adventure and want to gain some deeper understanding of your true potential.

 

2 Comments

  • Dear Natalie,
    I read this and lots of your blog after we were initially in touch. I had to wait to find the right moment to reply here because it’s such a raw and honest post and i wanted to do a proper response. Such a brave thing to write and post. I know how tricky it is to share these kind of heartfelt pieces!

    Your words are inspiring in their openness, and in your willingness to let them spill onto the page just as they are, unencumbered by fears of who may read them. They are vulnerable, yet mightily stronger for it, and strike me as being like signposts spoken from your soul, guiding you in that same direction, of being as openly yourself and not editing yourself harshly to fit anyone else’s criteria.

    I can relate to a need for deep self acceptance at the core of your healing of illness. As well as fears formed in early years, that lead to patterns we still live by. My own tending to be fear of not managing things and in turn not being good enough, or not meeting expectations. Exhausting from worry or trying to.

    It all comes back to self love doesn’t it. I’m seeing this so much more clearly, at heart it’s literally about that, our heart, and how we feel there. How much can we open to Loving ourselves especially if we’re not as we think we “should” be.

    Like me I think you seek a deep peace in all this, one that can only come out of acceptance, but it’s not an easy road and you can’t tell how long it is because you don’t know the depth of the lesson you’re learning.
    Others seem to fly past in their grasp of their patterns, and shift their lives into a whole different landscape. It can make you compare and question and wonder where you’re going wrong. But you might not be at all. You could be exactly where you’re meant to be with it, again coming back to an acceptance. And working on instinct & intuition.

    I see in your post that you follow your heart this way, catching your patterns and desperately wanting to break free of them. At times in this post, I see how hard you sound on yourself, for still getting it wrong, or still not getting it right. And I want to hug you and say yes but look at what you’ve made it through already,look at what you’re healing! It’s amazing, as are you,

    With Love & light
    Hugs, kat xo

    • Dear Kat
      For some reason I never responded to you via my Blog! I know I did via email a long time ago but the world must know how much your words mean to me and how they inspire me always. When I feel a little lost as to why I write or the direction I’m taking, I read your words and how they have the ability to pierce through the fear I may build up in my head. I admire your swift and beautiful way of seeing through the words and straight into my heart. I had a dream the other night which said; ‘the truth lies between the lines’ and I think you get that!
      I cannot thank you enough for being you and for honoring my path. I have a deep admiration for you even though we have never met! You feel like a distant, valuable friend whose battles and love of life inspire us all.
      Charlie & I think of you often and send you love, Natalie xx

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