The past is there, like a piranha circling your body and reminding you constantly of their bite. It forms the perfect circle to enclose you among the inner cycle of noise and distraction. ‘I will remind you’ it snaps ‘that I am the punishment for your past sins’.
Soon the piranha’s movements create a dark cloud, a dirty mist full of circling and shrieking seagulls. Their stomachs are empty, they need to be fed. To eat your energy and all your heart’s power for that is what you believe; that you are nothing more than a sitting duck waiting for destiny to swoop in for the kill.
The past engulfs our flesh, our cells and mind at every opportunity. It is a haunting echo that can push out the Soul’s call and overrun the mind with fear.
I feel the past, the looming piranha – its imminent bite consumes my focus yet now I can see beyond those teeth! I know in my heart its presence is there so I can learn to heal myself.
It is not to blame even though it has cemented itself in my veins. I can feel it, coiling its energy around my heart and face, dragging my mouth down to the lowest corners. All I feel is heaviness from its need for attention, yet I know the past is not to blame.
The past is a precious experience that I have come through and although it circles my awareness, it is just like a shark – innocent in nature, deadly in the kill. I want to sit with the past and allow it to consume me without resistance. I want to feel it and know it cannot harm me. I have read every book under the sun that speaks of healing, power and wisdom yet no one can force peace upon you. Only I can let her in.
One’s passage of choice on this Earth is sacred, no matter the context. I know this. So today, as the past nips at my innocent heart and longs to protect me, I will be with her completely. I will sit with the past, I will welcome her into my heart and I will believe in the sunshine’s power to warm the ice that has encased my heart so beautifully.
This is an insight, no more than this. I feel the shame rising as I write it because through the stream of thought I see that I am not in the position to say to you – I am healed.
Yet I am also further away from pretending that someone else is to blame and acknowledging I am responsible. I claim my life now more than I have ever done so before. I understand that the depths of human consciousness are so vast that everyone has a different experience, yet we are all united in being human. My writing has brought clarity to my huge struggles with self, with my cancer, depression and self-hate. For 10 years or maybe more, I was convinced I had to die. Now I am settling into the unknown and at the same time embracing the powerful force of love within me that seeks to be expressed.
Your journey is sacred, I hear your whispering truth and so may we all begin to speak what we know is the true power of this Earth, the language of love.
Metaphors saved me. Writing engaged me with my soul and the vast unknown. Creativity called to me when I sat alone. Your love embraced me as I let go and allowed the breeze of existence to embrace me.
May your own words of truth help you to build up the courage to find yourself again.
You are never lost, only walking in the direction of what calls to you even when you cannot hear what it is you want to hear.