My daily challenge is seeing the good, seeing the best in any situation and accepting the moment for what it is, especially in myself…
My greatest suffering is seeing through a filter of ‘lack’ and wishing I were different. In my perfect universe I am connected to my inner wisdom permanently and through this I can speak truth. As presently I feel like a liar, someone telling the world she is useless and incapable of being independent whilst making the most of the day.
I intend to be raw with my words, to speak nothing but truth but I won’t deny that my writing seems to be the only outlet at present that is in harmony with this intention. I feel like I am many people – a warrior who has transformed through depression and cancer, a useless human who just can’t quite cut through the painful negativity and I also feel like I intuitively come from somewhere else.
My biggest frustration is not using my life experience to be there for others. My resistance to self-expression is painful and also ridiculous. Why hold on so tightly to being right and resisting my power that could be of service to others?
Not having the answer isn’t bad, it’s a process rather than a hindrance. Yet I’ve allowed the word ‘how’ to completely blur the reality that lies before me. I know that the how is the block I have created and looking outside for answers is blocking the flow that I hold within. I know that if an angel appeared before me saying; “behold, the answer!” I would probably question it because I cling on so tightly to my story which is – until I know HOW to express this inner knowledge and creativity and until there is proof that I should, I shall just sit here and wallow in my own misery and praying for miracles to rescue me.
How is in fact a hindrance to doing. At school we are taught straightforward facts and figures, we are taught history and swayed into believing that these are the important lessons of life. The French Revolution, science with a dose of English literature – this will bring you safety, a job and make you intellectually acceptable in society. Yet the lessons I remember most were the ones about creating, about imagination such as art, learning to knit in Can Blau, the geography project on renovating Kings Cross and our science class when we had to act out the life of atoms and particles. All these lessons were about progress, creation and exercising the individual’s mind or potential when it comes to manifesting ideas or something out of nothing. They were about empowering us individually to be creative and daring to see beyond the walls of concrete thinking.
School taught me to be dependent, heavily dependent on external authority and thinking that without someone telling me ‘how’ to do something I would end up hanging dangerously over shark infested waters. It taught me that to conform, obey and follow were the right ways to survive in a very large frightening world. Naturally school is many things to different people but clearly it was my destiny to be heavily conditioned and then learn to un-condition my mindsets. I’m 29 now, I’ve been out of education since I was 21 and yet the process of re-educating myself to become my own leader and confident in the decisions or choices I make is a slow one.
This has also manifested into how I use personal development. At the beginning I would strongly depend on someone else being able to fix me. I was adamant it would be another who would free me, unblock me, and release me from the torture of self-rejection. Many of the therapists would encourage me to be dependent, so I would have to go back but the only books, therapists and courses that have stuck with me until now are the ones that teach you the only message you need to remember; you are the answer. No one else can free you but yourself, all the other healers and courses that come your way are pure guidance – sign posts that your unconscious will pick up on when its ready.
I’m not blaming school or my upbringing but the bridges must be built to a peaceful co-existence with my worldly self and my raw divine self through my very own actions. These bridges will deliver harmony in my present life and help me to bridge the gap between the writer and the speaker. I often feel I am here to reconnect with my lost voice. Often my vocal voice is too hooked into fear, submission, loss, victim and feeling like it’s all very unfair. Rarely does this transcribe into my writing and when it does I regret it. I often write about my frustrations with my inner voice versus my speech and what I manifest but rarely will I write about the direct circumstances that are leading to this conflict.
For me it’s all about taking responsibility for who I am and how I am in the world. I do this through grasping my patterns, the inner conflicts, blue prints or observing dreams. It’s all about uncovering the source of misery and reconnecting with the purity of love. This love can come from admiring a tree, an inner realisation, your dog or writing. Love can come from the most indirect sources so look out for it, enjoy it and learn to work with it.
Overall it’s time the bridges were built and that can only be done through daily practice and finally believing in me. I don’t need anymore evidence than the way I ‘tick’, because how I process life is unique. It’s always in the greater interest of how I can be of service to humanity. There isn’t any other explanation for the amount of challenges I have faced at my age! So here I am, working on being of service and making my dreams come true.
The dream; to manifest spaces and projects that will empower the individual to take responsibility for themselves and how they relate to the world. To offer spaces of inner exploration and discovery whilst allowing the individual to learn what may be causing the root of their suffering. Spaces exclusively for the curious and those willing to make a difference to their own lives and in turn that of humanity for one peaceful soul will impact hundreds of others.
So if you have read this far, lets all accept who we are now and never give up on ourselves.