All I’ve wanted to do today is leave. Leave Earth, leave Natalie and give up. My writing this brutal honesty is down to releasing the fear of judgment and questioning my existence. I feel I chose this path yet I long or wish for it to be different. Especially when there really is no evidence of change.
Imagine, yesterday I was the queen of consciousness. I saw so many different metaphors and clarity on my situation. I woke up with an intense understanding on the word conflict and how powerfully it affects my life. I felt light, elated and authentic.
Then by around 10pm, darkness struck. A deep anger erupted through me questioning everything and leaving me empty to the core of my heart. Suddenly I saw a shadow I didn’t want to see, a thought I bury in desperation yet I know it’s there. Having read Debbie Ford’s The Dark Side of the Light Chasers, I know that acknowledging a shadow and asking for its blessing is key. It’s a room I shut down some time ago when the trigger word popped up. The trigger word was SELFISH. “Stop being so selfish, grow up. Life isn’t all about you, think of others.” Slam went the door to the room which locked away my need to be selfish or using another term – being me.
Because what does it mean to be selfish? Why did that word cause a reaction in me at the tender age of 10? Probably because I’m a people pleaser and the idea of being selfish when I worked so hard at being accepted or a ‘good girl’ really hit me hard. I shut down my emotional need to be me. I shut the door to my innocence and began to give my world and personal power over to everyone else. To the girls at school who were prettier, to family, to the media and I did so by trying to fit in, to listen to people’s wisdom or knowledge in the hope I would one day fit in. I avoided being selfish but time and again it comes up.
Yet last night I erupted in anger. You know what God, maybe I’m not here to ‘serve’, to give, to do all the things people say brings you happiness. Maybe I don’t want to!!!! Maybe I am horribly selfish with no care for anyone but myself. Maybe I want to be lazy and do nothing – what’s wrong with that! Do you even exist God? Has all the faith and hope I put into thinking I’m part of something a load of rubbish? Is this Blue Star planet I felt the other day just in my head because you know what – where is the evidence?… All that ever happens in my life is nothing. I have to bring peace to a world of violence? I have to work for money to pay bills when I don’t really want to be alive?… I did a bit of swearing and for a while it felt good to release my dark side. This feeling I wish to completely deny because how dare I not work, serve and give. All the good people do, so what am I? Bad? Evil? A lower level Scorpio? So what? Right now this all feels so meaningless.
All the trauma, depression, cancer – all these very painful experiences I put down to my need to relate to others so I can be there for them. Yet it’s stopped me mourning. It’s stopped me processing because the idea that my suffering is in aid of others brought the notion that there is no time for being selfish and making this about you. Get out there and do good! But I don’t. The vicious cycle continues despite years and years of personal growth.
I’ve spent the day in tears, If you met me today and told me I’m selfish and lazy it would puncture my spirit. You’re probably right, how dare I sit in self pity. Even my parents have lost all hope or faith in me, they don’t see how I’ll survive ‘out there’.
My dreams were also beautifully apt for this eruption of selfishness. In last nights scenario I was at a bay. My parents were swimming and suddenly a gigantic white shark appears. It seems to be playing with them as they swam in harmony, yet I panicked, I screamed at my step-father to get out! He looked at me surprised and proceeded to demonstrate how he could put his whole arm in its jaws and nothing happened. Yet I within the water grew terrified. As this was happening I was conscious within the dream and shocked at the terror I was experiencing, as if now it should be an alien emotion. I wanted to warn people yet everyone was oblivious and I began to run within the water. It left me bewildered in the dream. Why? Why am I still terrified of being Natalie? It contributed to my loss in will to live today. It highlighted the never-ending journey I feel I am lost on. It brought doubt and longing and tears in the park.
Deep down I know this awareness is part of a process. I’m not sure what yet. It’s a dark secret and I have to see it and learn from it. For me, I know being selfish is a matter of giving myself permission to be, to rest, to indulge. It’s what I denied myself for years and yet I haven’t found balance in how to do it freely.
I’ve been working hard in clearing chakras, opening up my being, mediating and praying. Like a wound, the puss must appear before it can fully heal. I’ve been declaring myself healed, so these wounds must appear to be healed. In the words of Caroline Myss I’m tired of walking around using ‘woundology’ as my blanket. I don’t intend on throwing my past trauma in people’s faces to get a reaction, pity and excuse the fact that right now I’m pretty useless. There is no excuse, I needed this time in Barcelona to myself but in the outside world it dredges up the world selfish like a knife to the throat.
This one goes deep. When the will to live vanishes, when there is no light and my faith abandons me I lose hope.
Now I’ve written this and I know it’s long, but stand with me in a new faith that our personal journey into great darkness is not wrong or to be judged. It is not selfish, it’s a dive into the unknown. 10 years of incredible insights, taking responsibility for my life and seeing magic has led to this day. Finding peace and not disappointment it that idea will set me free…or not! Who knows.
Keep reading, learning and believe in yourself. See miracles in the tiniest drops of hope. If you can’t, you’re not alone but your determination is your sign that it’s worth the effort because it’s the spark we all need to see or feel. We need to share the good, the bad and the ugly. We need to stop pinning our hopes on one-hit wonder healings and start seeing the healer within. Apologies if this isn’t the ‘How to’ Blog people are used to when dealing with darkness and depression, this is raw honesty.