I’m presently in Norfolk, Old Hunstanton, with my boyfriend and my Scottie dog – Charlie Boy. A friend of my mother’s was extremely kind and allowed us to use her beautiful seaside get-away. I have been craving fresh air, peace and openness since I began my course of chemo. This has to be heaven on a plate and I’m overly grateful.
Chemotherapy has taken its toll on me, I won’t lie, it’s been a hectic and turbulent time for me and all those around me. I still have my hair and appetite has returned with a vengeance after 7 days! I have been awful at trying to be a more ‘clean’, sugar/ caffeine/ alcohol/ salt free person and exercise still hasn’t magically become my new favorite skill in life nor have I naturally become a positive, enlightened human being. Quite the opposite yet one beautiful element is arising – strength. Strength in a sense of becoming more compassionate towards myself, letting my long list of ‘have to’s’ go and allowing life to flow…It’s taking time but I see it blossoming and no more so because right now my body is going through an intense period of battle and as soon as the toxins clear up and I begin to re-emerge from 6 days of pain I become so grateful for my body and it’s health. This won’t last but it’s there and it’s never been there before.
Chemotherapy is definitely what you make it and I am again beyond grateful to my family and friends. You shut yourself down when going through this – it becomes personal, a battle between your true inner self versus the external. The external being hours in hospital waiting around for blood tests, PICC line changes and eventually the actual chemo. It’s exhausting and far too easy to fall into a depressive, repetitive mind set. Thankfully people around me are positive, they see me moving into a brighter future and the struggle is part of a much bigger picture. I see this too and have amounts of respect for the process but I won’t lie, I am finding it hard to accept I have cancer and need chemo plus the long days after chemo are a massive challenge. Coming out of the toxic mist is like heaven especially feeling physically normal again!
As I write this the sunshine has reappeared after a long rain shower and it’s a sign, as Paulo Coelho emphasised in the Alchemist… A sign to me which says; this is nature being as it should be just as my life is as it should be, for we are pure nature. My dreams are also hinting at this. They have been chaotic, busy and frustrating (another chemotherapy side affect for me has been no sleep, just exhausting ‘in and out’ sleep) before recently emerging as clear messages through my own language. The most recent one involved something horrifically frightening, which I couldn’t look at, but was told to put on a giant tribal looking wooden mask before throwing one stone really far away all in the attempt to fight this monster. I woke up with a loud voice saying – fear of the unknown. Just to say I’ve found a wonderful way of revealing a clear message in a dream which is to simply list everything I can remember visually, verbally and physically. Just list it, no story and see what emerges. For example this is my list from one dream:
Huge white door, line of people, gates, fixing, fear, anxiety, hiding, lying, loneliness, boy said: “why not use this door like everyone else?”, pointing, separation
The list goes on but from this I got a clear message – join humanity and you don’t have to lose your identity but in joining humanity you will discover peace.
This way of deciphering a dream for yourself is a technique I learned in psychotherapy (which I’m missing badly as the course ended in December) and I’ll find out who suggested this way of unraveling the mystery of our personal dreams.
I went off course there but I tend to write as it comes to me. So much is happening in my self at the moment and writing seems to be the only way I can express myself. There is so much more to say and some wonderful resources around which I’m going to follow up with ASAP. Presently I’m reading, Paulo Coelho’s Aleph and very much enjoying the language and messages within his story. I will finish saying – allow your process to be and allow yourself to find a way to accept the present.
Off to the beach with Charlie! xx