This came to me this morning, as I am about to embark on a lot of change in my life. Questions on personal power, making choices out of love and having faith in who I am, have been dictating the way I have been experiencing life recently.
This Blog is about sharing my thoughts on evolving from depression, cancer, anxiety etc and I don’t wish to withhold the truth on how much I still struggle each day to accept who I am. For accepting who I am when things in my life seem to always result in an abundance of misery, is tough! It requires a great deal of faith and surrendering to the process.
Therefore this Blog is a place of process and observation. I am not part of the self-help revolution but I am part of an mass movement of people who are beginning to wake up to the truth which lies within us all; the truth that we are all powerful beings who can heal ourselves and let go of the damaging, self-hate energy which I believe is causing us all nothing but pain and misery.
So this is what oozed from my writing hand this morning and blossomed into a observation of a so called invisible Demon, which represents my rigid negative patterns that I often believe are engraved in my soul. I am here being Natalie so these patterns can finally be released yet the process is unbelievably tough and could even all be part of my vast imagination. In the end, who knows what is true, we simply have to listen to our inner voice of guidance or what ever form of inner intuition you may have.
“It’s odd how I continue to experience life as extremely painful as if my place on Earth was a mistake. I feel and believe I have no power, no freedom and above all no wealth so I can make the choices I dream of each day. I always feel I am at the mercy of some invisible Demon who longs to see me suffer.
The suffering is not due to to external circumstances that would be far too boring for my Demon. It prefers to watch me suffocate in my own self-created misery. It longs and lives to watch me become a slave to the unknown and laughs as I allow my repeated limiting beliefs to dictate my experience of life.
This Demon, invisible but powerful, sits on my heart and squashes my spirit with sorrow. I see no light when it is in control, I simply bow down to it’s almighty hand of truth as it uses the emotions of fear to stop me from imagining the possibility to live as Natalie. It stops me from learning, stops me from being and tricks me into believing there is NO hope.
It shoves the beliefs of Natalie being ‘small’, ‘unworthy’, ‘trapped’ and ‘confused’ into my blood stream, poisoning each breath I take so that the language I speak is riddled with fear. It was so very close to watching me kill myself so I could run from its tormenting ways, but that would be no fun to my invisible Demon – for what should it do when Natalie is no more?
So here I am, years and years after committing myself to discovering the truth of man-kinds existence whilst slowly recognising my own inner power, yet I remain at the mercy of my Demon’s ways.
Now the Demon has become even more manipulating at diverting my attention from my inner power and self acceptance. It drums endlessly on my heart disguising its self as a voice of reason:
“Natalie, you need help. Pray to God, for living as yourself is a hopeless case. Look at you, you have tried but nothing works. No self-help book, no healer, no words of wisdom can help you now. It’s too late, each step we take leads to misery and chaos. I am your inner voice of reason, listen to me. The angels, God, all of them have stopped listening. We are alone. I cannot survive out there, it’s too painful. What am I doing wrong? What can we do to change? Every time we try to live and be independent, we fall down. I am tired Natalie, too tired. Please can we go home?”
These are just some of the words that drift endlessly and rapidly around my being. They make me feel chaotic, unsafe, lost and trapped. For how much must I continue to learn, heal and discover of the world before I am finally ‘allowed’ to live. For I am at the mercy of my Demon.
Oh my little soul destroying Demon, so clever, so attentive to my misery. Diverting my attention away from my wisdom of knowing life is a process, a succession of events, it is NOT a race.
I remain a slave to it’s dedication of keeping me small, away from the light and in a state of limbo. I remain its toy as it watches me silently drift into a state of hopelessness. For how am I to live as Natalie when the ropes of terror tie me the invisible post of ignorance, forcing me to watch my life crumble in the face of being truly me. Such lies – but the Demon shouts – to be you, is death.”
So there you have it, the Demon metaphor which represents those limiting beliefs keeping you small and in the shell of ignorance. I believe we are all here to become masters of ourselves and thus humans who can be helpful to one another in our quest to evolve.