My blog has become an ironic metaphor for my life situation at the moment. I’m not contributing or doing what I love with this website – writing – because I’m waiting to do the right thing or I’m worried it won’t be good enough. My language in my head at the moment is destructive and feels like it’s being sparked off by the turbulent emotions rocking my body.
I asked myself today – am I intending on living as Natalie? The immediate answer was – no. This shocked me, how is it possible after almost 6 years of extremely hard work, determination and dedication to releasing myself from the shackles of self-hate, that I’m still not embracing Natalie? Why am I still focused on seeing life through the eyes of someone else and rejecting the piles of frightening emotions that lie in the present Natalie? I thought about writing the topic on extremes, on the use of internal language, on metaphors etc but at the end of the day the truth is – I haven’t been focusing on Being Natalie.
I’m not saying it isn’t important to look within, to read as much as possible on the subject of living life or being human nor am I dismissing alternative therapy, therapy, life coaching etc. All I am presently wondering is when I will embrace being Natalie – warts and all.
A friend of mine on my psychotherapy course said something which struck my heart. I was talking about my ex boyfriend and how much it hurt me to speak with him after almost 2 years and feel worthless. I felt like nothing had changed in my life – I still live at home, I’m not working, I’m lost, I have no boyfriend and I have no direction or anything to prove that I’ve changed. There is no proof and when I finished she looked at me and she said, but Natalie, you’re still you?!
It struck a cord in my heart and it wasn’t a good one, it was disappointment. Yes I’ve been untangling trapped energy within me, yes I’ve been learning about my limiting beliefs and opening my eyes to my restricted attitudes and views on life. But at one point have I been focusing on loving me in every possible way? It’s been rare glimmers when I’ve managed to see myself living as who I am now. There have been moments when I’ve been so present, strong and happy that there is no need to take action to try and believe in me or love me. Yet throughout all my work I have not been accepting who I am. Perhaps unconsciously I’ve been moving in this direction but I’ve been seeing that acceptance only comes WHEN I’ve done this or that or met this person or moved here or proven to myself this…Endless.
So my position at the moment is: intentionally choosing to live Being Natalie. (When I wrote this I started crying – the barriers are rather thick yet I see them!)
Tomorrow, the first of November is an important day. This time 4 years ago I was in Perugia celebrating Halloween and eating dinner before venturing out with fellow Erasmus students. It was also the last time I saw my friend who was brutally killed on the 1st November. Her memory will be with me tomorrow – to me she represents living. Without her presence in my life I would not be who I am today – awake.
So when you take on your path to inner insight, love, acceptance and growth – or what ever you want to call it – remember all of you will be on the journey, not just the parts that need “fixing”. As I may have done, in focusing heavily on the bad bits to being Natalie, you totally forget any amazing parts or you may just not see them. It’s my intention to see them, live them and embrace all of me, Earthly or spiritual.