I spent November in therapy. I went regularly to a SE therapist and I committed to two hypnotherapy session which cost almost €1000. Yet guess what? I am still sitting here, unloved and unmotivated. I am still me. I am still experiencing huge bouts of fear, anxiety and I have zero interest in my future.
I am a ghost in my own reality.
Does it come down to this? After 13 years of working hard to change, shift and heal, you meet your pain and have to finally bow down to it, whispering -you won? I can’t escape you, can I?
I wonder what it will say back? Most likely it will laugh and answer ‘you created me, so how can you escape me?’
Life is not pleasant when you are a ghost. The warmth of the sun can no longer be felt and everything begins to reflect your freezing nature. It’s as if the external world has grown so big, your internal world is crushed and cold. You walk around aimlessly, yet subconsciously your driven by unfinished business. A seeking for completion.
My life has frozen yet these words still wonder out into the open. These words still march with determination to warm my dormant soul and remind her – you belong here.
If I met myself, I would see in her eyes, that something has died. Her soul or spirit, her sense of purpose. I would see the young woman who has been lost to fear and echos of oppressed adult voices telling her ‘just get on with it‘. I would see her heart broken, her body tight and I would recognise that the lights have gone out.
Would I try and change her? No. Could I convince her that her version of reality is false? No. Would I tell her that I can fix her and bring her ‘home’? No.
What would I do? I would hold her. I would not try to convince her of anything because in that space of no light or love, the void has grown too great. Instead I would hold her and say – ‘I see you.’
Love. I would love her as she was. Even if I was a stranger and she shook my own foundations with her resistance to life. I would notice how she triggers me but I would want to know her. Who is she? Why has she departed her own reality? Where is she?
I would ask her that question – ‘where have you gone’? I know she would simply say ‘away from this world.’
‘Where have you gone?‘ I want her to be clear on where she is and who that part of her is.
‘I’m frozen in the soils that have been depleted of love. There is no place for me in a world that cannot love.’
‘Who are you?’
Now she has to let herself go. That question haunts her daily. I know she wants to hold herself again so I ask her once more, ‘who are you?’
‘I am a Great Traveling Light.’
‘What do you need to be this light on Earth? Why have you stopped traveling’
‘I do not know. All I know is that life let me down and now I have grown tired. There seems to be no break for me here, only sorrow. There is no light here, I only sense fear.’
‘If you sense fear, you can be of great use to us. We need sensitivity, we need light.’
‘How does sensing fear help you? It hurts. I see no good in this pain. All I see are humans using fear to control, create wars and separate souls.’
‘If you sense pain and fear, you must be here to help heal it. Most of us are blind and numb to our own fears. We hide or lie, running from it. That’s why it’s become a wild fire on this Earth. People are turning away from their own fear, but you – you don’t.’
‘But look at me. I am alone and have no desire to be like the humans here. I have no money, so I cannot grow. I lose, everyday…I lose.’
‘Yet what would it feel like if you could revive your light and become the hunter of illusions? You and I both know, we all die. There is no escaping this one truth. Death. You fear life but most fear death. You clearly know death as I see in your eyes, you are the keeper of life. Life and death stand together – you must remember this. Your power lies in your courage to feel.’
‘You say all of this but I have received no word that this is true. I have attracted no new opportunities – life remains an enemy.’
‘I know. An enemy to many but remember, life itself is but nature in motion. Mind has generated the field of Great Fear. Not heart, not soul – but mind. It’s a wonderful field in nature but easily lost to the emotions. The emotions tug on the mind’s ability to project reality, trying to grip the steering wheel and convince it. Yet when a human is no longer controlled by emotion and instead has plugged into their own power – the connection to death, life, love and God – then there is a freedom. Home.’
‘I know. Yet I do not have the energy anymore. You can see me – then you can see I have no desire to be here.’
‘I do understand and I will not convince you to be here. I just want you to know – that your light and your ability to know fear – can be useful to us.’
‘Because we are waking up and we need leadership. We need those who know what we are beyond the conditioning and fearful thoughts we experience. We need to know what love is again but most of all – we need to know who we are again. I understand your death, your dormancy. I understand how you would not want to be here but it was never your destiny to ‘be here’ as we are. It’s your destiny to let the traveling light find its home here so it can light up the dormant souls.’
‘You believe me capable of this?’
‘When you stop following others and stop trying to fix, heal and change – you will begin to notice the fire within you that longs to warm your soul again. A warmth that has remained locked up in fear’s grip but has never left you. The warmth of your great soul. All you have to do is believe it.’
‘I cannot – life has become so heavy, it’s impossible for me to believe in it anymore.
‘But it’s not out there! It’s in the depths of your imagination. When you truly connect with that, the soils will fill with the traveling light and guide you back into the world. Yet this time, it’s going to be your world. I know you’ve had enough, but you’re still alive. Whilst you live, let this light travel as it has done between us today. Let your curiosity win.’
I watch her ponder over our dialogue. I know she’s listening but the fear of life has grown like a cancer through her being. It’s gripping her soul, overriding her heart and forcing her down – back down into the soil.
I know, because I am her.
Yet she’s not going to give up, I won’t give up, because every time the chaos has rocked her world, she’s embraced the storm, the pain and oppression. She’s felt the grief, the pull to leave and she still stands. Slowly the chaos is becoming part of the song. A song we all share.
I know she will come back to life but for now, she’s a ghost in her own reality.