When I felt depressed, anxious and very dark this is what I wrote – I want you to see I have been on a massive journey in life and I still am despite my past. Now everyday is about learning. This piece of writing is from 3 years ago when I was deeply lost and very scared:
“It’s funny the world I live in. Its funny the people I meet who give me worldly advice. It’s funny how people look at me through their eyes – their eyes that are the product of their environment. Its funny how I sit here in consumed hate and self –abuse but it’s so deep I no longer consciously hear it. Its funny how one minute my world is positive, broad, satisfied and ambitious and the next it’s degrading, painful, bleak and sad. Its funny how all this happens inside one person – like a storm it consumes me, it manipulates me, it rules me. its funny how in order to find peace inside I must let go of all painful thoughts – I must not believe them to have to be a part of me, I must compromise, let go, expose myself and move on. It’s funny how much the external world affects me inside and helps me to believe I’m not worthy, I’m dead already. Its funny how “I” hurt myself so much – “I” physically sit in self – created pain. Its funny how this power can transform into wonderful positive faith, peace, and harmony in me – yet it’s funny how I still won’t do this and choose to sit in pain. It’s funny because on the outside I’m just Natalie and in the inside I’m so full of contradiction, self – abuse and many Natalie’s. Now isn’t it funny I’m so exhausted? Who am I”
If you feel you can relate to this when you’re in a space of awareness because you know you are causing this but you have NO idea what to do about it (so it became oddly funny to me) then I suggest you do the following:
- Write it all down
- Talk to someone you trust, someone who knows you and loves you. If you feel there is no one of this description in your life, then don’t panic – keep writing and reading and just talk to someone about what’s going on for you. Get it OFF YOUR MIND.
- Read: The Power of Now to get you reconnected with your true self and if you think you could do with being “earthed” instead of always running from what’s going on NOW
- Read: The Depression book by Cheri Huber to bring some compassion back into your life. I love this book because it’s SO true, so enlightening, easy to chew on and fun.
- Learn to meditate or just sit still with your thoughts for as long as you can. WATCH YOUR THINKING – BE PRESENT TO WHATS GOING ON UP THERE
- Dare to look into some courses which may help you shift out of a very negative thinking pattern such as Vipassana Meditation, Landmark Education etc. I found these courses because I looked and asked for help. You can too. Another course which people highly recommend is the Hoffman Course – when I have some money I will do this course and a good book on it is the Hoffman Process by Tim Laurance.
There is always so much you can do, I wish I had known that when I kept sinking. Ultimately it’s SELF HATE, self loathing and wishing I was someone else. All of this separated me further and further from me. Why would I want to be me? I can’t trust me! Of course now I know that being me is home.
With patience, compassion and a bit of love from me I can just be me. Use this site to realise this for yourself…
* Please note I am not an expert, simply sharing what has worked for me. For professional help and advice speak to a doctor or expert on depression.