This week marks my 31st Birthday and an opportunity for me to reflect on my life so far.
My life is not as I wanted it to be. I hoped by now I would be independent, happy, married, successful, doing my thing and surrounded by good friends. I hoped I would have had my children by now and lived somewhere I absolutely loved. In a nutshell, I thought by now I would be myself.
Quite the opposite is true and it’s this reality which stops me writing and being Natalie. Shame fills my daily experience of life with a mix of golden wisdom and faith that helps me get through the day. My shame and guilt comes from the unconscious pressure of knowing I should be somewhere else, doing something else and fulfilling my purpose. The consequences of thinking in this way leaves me defensive, poor and unsatisfied. I live at home, I’m single and I’m penniless. I have nothing to be proud of except my gorgeous Scottie Dog.
I have torn myself apart, put myself back together and then torn myself apart again. All in a mad search to find myself and to understand why I am such a failure.
Why am I sharing this with you? Because we live on a world where self-acceptance, love and awareness are urgently needed so we can build a stronger, united external world. I have devoted this Birthday week to accepting myself. To falling in love with who I am, right here, right now.
I have wanted to do this for many years and haven’t been able to do so. I feel my heart has frozen over in fear and except for the incredible wisdom and guidance I receive each day, I struggle to see how to accept myself when I’m living in such ‘unacceptable’ circumstances.
Yet it’s time we forgive ourselves. It’s time we bring out the compassion and listen to the echos of our soul. When I listen to my soul, she’s got so much to say. This just poured from me:
“Natalie, in all honesty there is no right way to be human. There is only a way of being that is in alignment with love and truth. All humans have a struggle with self. This serves a purpose – to see beyond the fear and right into the heart of life. Making sense of all this is wasted energy when all we want is for you to be. Be yourself and honour this process. Allow the energies that govern life, man and animal to speak to you and guide you. No one wishes you harm and no one wants anything less than for you to be your true self. We are traitors to ourselves when we lie and ignore the pull of our hearts. Your heart yearns to speak a truth, to live by the rules of energetic value and to learn the power of creation. So be it, sound makes us human.”
This stream of insight and information comes to me everyday and I start to see a common wisdom or understanding in both ancient text and a philosopher’s thought. There is a need in us all to be alive, so why are we allowing ourselves to be swayed by fear? I know why – it is based on history, on facts and the desire to see life in a compartmentalised way. To see fear as the reigning King and love as a distant princess that can only be entertained when the time is right.
I don’t have the answer. I don’t have a path to teach but I do want to offer people the permission they seek to listen to their truth. As I write this, I feel a wave of shame and worry arising. Is this enough to write when people are starving, in a war or working so hard their hands hurt? Is it okay to be so self-indulgent and to entertain the mysteries of life?
Then I understood. I do this work because I want to end my cycle of suffering and I value every second I am alive. I value what I have to say. One person walking Earth who has found contentment, peace and a connection with all that is, is a ripple of love among us chaotic humans. We need more people to value the path to radical self-acceptance and peace so we can all find ourselves deeply connected by more than just fear or suffering. How else can the human race survive unless she begins to realise that she is creating the reality she experiences, so she can be as she desires the world to be?
I desire to experience life as Earth reflects; beautiful, mysterious, complex and natural.
I desire to share because I know other people sharing has opened up my mind, heart and reignited my will to live.
Even though the voice shouts – why are you writing? Why do you share this? I will continue because my heart told me to. Because I am now more aware than ever that I am in-tune with humanity’s need to evolve, be at peace and strive to end the endless cycles of suffering.
Believe in yourself. Look within, listen and know yourself.
Happy Full Moon to you all,