I’ve always wanted my blog to be a place where I’m honest in my path to discovering inner peace and happiness or just plain acceptance of being a human being! I’m still in Jaipur and it’s been 3 weeks today. I have hit a big down period which I haven’t experienced in months and it’s sadly down to an old emotion being woken up.
It’s frightening observing how an old, past hurt can overwhelm your life and take over. I think Eckhart Tolle calls this the ‘pain body’. It’s also frustrating to lose touch with the inner peace I had before and I’m desperately telling myself not to worry – life is impermeable. However my mind has gone mad, crazy and it’s exhausting. Thank goodness I can still see the inner change from the last 4 or so months because in the past if this would happen I would want to jump ship yet this time I’m learning to sit with the feeling or at least accept it’s there. I can feel all sorts of emotions from desperately wanting to change the present, past and future outcomes of what’s happened, to feeling completely abandoned. It frustrates me no end because I don’t know how I’ve attracted this again yet before it happened I had a deep warning saying that to go near this particular person would open up wounds that I’m not ready to deal with. I did it anyway and now I’m witnessing the turbulence which sits in my heart energy centre and if I’m honest, I don’t want to deal with it! Memories of my first boyfriend who I loved and thought I would marry still creep up on me with the same impact they had on me 4 years ago. It has nothing to do with the guy in question (although he’s not the most eligible bachelor around) and it has everything to do with what he’s woken up in me…AGAIN!
Naturally being someone who wants to fix everything about painful situations I’ve been reading all of my personal development books at once and even decided to write a book. The book idea came from laughing at how entertaining my life can be or has been! The point is I can’t fix it right now, I can react differently and I can accept the situation…But I don’t want to! I’m going on my 3 day Vipassana course this weekend and hoping this might calm me down as I haven’t been meditating the one time I should be.
It fascinates me how there obviously are aspects to human beings which are like lockets of emotional pain or entities and they come alive, like vibrations, when they are made reactive. So I’ve been fine, happy and flowing, then someone comes along and unleashes hell in me. It will never cease to amaze me being human and just how much we are like high voltage electricity firing off sparks of light and learning how to attract or push one another away. I seem to push people away more than attract.
Anyway I’m hoping the storm will pass, I’m now crying again which doesn’t help but maybe when one doesn’t heal past pains, from this life or another, then they will keep popping up and throwing us off course. The only thing that keeps me going is that it’s not forever but for now I have to be with the emotion and as Vipassana would say the more you can strip the meaning from it and simply be with the sensation, the more freedom will be experienced.